Saturday, June 18, 2016

Diapers and sh#ts!

Look I'm not going to lie to you, poo stinks no matter where it comes from.
Baby or adult.
Human or non human (aliens I'm not sure, but probably not good either).

You've been lied to I tell you!

Have you ever heard anyone say it smells good? If yes, you may want to avoid that person like the black plague. Don't worry the black plague isn't around anymore, but it might make a comeback (if people stop vaccinating their kids. I'll blog that another time).

Incase you weren't aware breast feeding babies diapers smell better than bottle fed ones. But even worse is real food fed babies. They really really stink!
So essentially if you are lucky enough to have a breast fed only baby you can enjoy the sweet smell of ros.... not roses, I'm not sure what, its not that good, but its better than the alternative of real food.

If your wife is supplementing with bottle (and powders), then you might be half way there but you still haven't hit the good stuff.

So cute, except for the sly and evil plan! They are all the same.

When they start eating solids, it might be simple. A banana, spoon of yoghurt, a cheerio (I thought only one would fill them up but they need multiple cheerio's FYI. Don't feed them just one).
Those smells will start to ease you into what's about to come. Yes, its amazing! And not in a good way.

Real diapers, with real poo, those are a doozy. Once meat is in their diet I highly suggest buying clothes pegs for your nose, or put cotton balls up them. I know  my co worker told me you buy Vick's VAPOR RUB even if you don't have a cold and stick your fingers deep inside thy nostrils. Ya I used the word thy, cause that's how I roll).

It will block your stinky receptions from handling the real taste (I mean smell) of poo.

The colours are like the autumn leaves as well, you see they change too incase you didn't know.
In the beginning it might be grainy and look like gold (trust me prospector its fool's gold so don't make a ring out of it),
It might start turning black, then kinda green ish. Then eventually liqud ish and tasty (if breast fed. I meant to say normal looking not tasty).

I should forewarn you of one more thing alluded to above. The time. Never trust a baby. They are sly and cunning and their insensible need to go to the bathroom trumps everything. Once you start putting on a nice new diaper BAM! They go on you, or into the new diaper. Its a cycle of life that all animals must contend with (except dogs and other animals don't have diaper wipes they use their tongues).

So the moral of this post is that in the beginning you might be thinking, MOFO I have to change diapers. Think positive that it smells not so bad. It will only get worse with age and food types.

As the poo colours change with age like a rainbow, remember that its normal and they are probably not taking E (or other drugs {yet}).

Oh the joys of parenthood.
Its kinda like Forrest Gump and his box O chocolates,

"You never know What THE F you are gonna get!"

Enjoy it!

I wish my child could do this. He'd never wear a diaper.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from my Japan blog 

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Don't F$king Swear around children!

Don't Fu$king Swear around children!

This is pretty much a given.
You do not swear infront of children (your own or someone else's!)

Yeah! That works!

Their little minds are sponges and they are soaking up what you say.
If you say, GOOD MORNING Mother F#*ckers! then they will say it too. Cause I'm sure that's standard every morning.
I used to say it to some of my co workers. Its like the show THE OFFICE, but more funny.

In all honesty I did go through a faze where I added Mother F to everything. I started saying
"Thanks Mother F##*ker!" I didn't mean it in a bad way, I would laugh as I said it. I just thought its a funny thing to add to a sentence so I did it. I once said it when I was home visiting my parents and then realized I said it. So I repeated "I stubbed my toe, MOTHER TRUCKER!".
FYI I didn't stub my toe.

I had one friend who was giving his little boy a bath. He dropped the soap into the bath water and couldn't pick it up (you know exactly what that is like), its like a snake's skin molting off (kinda but opposite, cause its clean). Anyways....
He couldn't pick up the soap, finally got it above water, and it slipped out of his hand again,
"AH, sh$t!", he said.
His child repeated it after him.
He said no I mean ship, ship. "Oh ship!". His child didn't fall for it and repeated the first expression numerous times. His wife was not happy.
I was going to suggest rubbing the father's (my friend, perhaps now former friend after this post) mouth with soap.

That's right MOTHER F#&*R's!

I find my wife and myself has been slowly weening ourselves off swears. Even things I thought were not really swears, at school he's been told they are.
So now I can't add "damn" or "damned" to anything.
That's a word necessary for my (damned) life!

Let me give you an example (mother f's!).

"Where are my damn socks?"

"Mom, where are my damned shoes?"

"Hot Diggity Damn!" <--- I like that one the most. I feel like I'm with Scooby Do (which my son refers to as Scoobie Doobie). Close enough. I mean when you look at Shaggy you are also thinking Doobie.

My son kept repeating "Dada that's a bad word, we don't say that word". I told him "Oh, well daddy says it but you don't!"

I thought he got the message, but I guess he was out to lunch (his brain I mean, not literally), because he started using in perfect context.

Once my wife was in bed and she said to him "You forgot to get your water bottle for bed". He ran out to me "DAD! WHERE'S MY DAMN WATER BOTTLE?"
I couldn't stop laughing, so he started using it with everything.

When I finally thought I had completely weened myself off swears (like weening from the breast, but less enjoyable), I was disciplined by my son again.
"Dad you always say bad words".

I do? I didn't believe him.

"You keep saying freakin".
"I'll make freakin dinner", "Where are my freakin pants?"

Mom has her own problem. She started rephrasing goddamn crazy to GD crazy, GD shoes, GD tired. Cause she's a mom and sleepy from two kids I let it go.

Perhaps us not swearing is not meant to be then.

So this advice which incidentally I don't live by, I'm giving it to you.


Enjoy you GD non swearing child rearing life biatches!

Hard to see, all vulgar. Things I've never even dreamed of. Print it for your wall (not around kids).

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Dogs Are Dirty!

How to be a Good Father, I'm not one which is why I'm writing this blog.
My hope is you learn what not to do. ;-)

I wouldn't consider this bad, I'd say "learning from experience". Enjoy the hangover. 

The title seems catchy to let's stick with it, and its true. I have witnessed many a times when a dog ate faeces (crap), it doesn't care what animal it came from, possibly even its own.
If you are wondering if I'm writing this to tell you that you can save diapers by having a dog, that is not my intention.

There are a few things about teaching children about animals that is important. One is fear. I like fear. Not for me, but for children its great. Once you teach children fear it seems to be instilled in them forever (and ever). Hammer it into them (but don't use Thor's Hammer, that hurts).

Let me suggest to you how you might want to start that conversation.
You can point out dogs have sharp teeth, vampire-like abilities and claws that they can scratch glass (stronger than diamonds! Not exactly true, but they are kids so they might not call you on your science facts yet).

I remember reading a book a while ago about how animals and babies interact. It said never (and I mean ever) leave a child unattended with an animal. Yes through artificial evolution, they have been tamed to be man's best friend (women's too, I'm not sexist), but sometimes their natural instinct kicks in and they do what they originally were made to do. Hunt and attack.

If you really want to read graphic details about it there should be endless stories about toddler's being injured or killed through dogs interactions, especially the more aggressive dog types. I saw one on the news yesterday about a child being attacked and the owner's girlfriend tried to stop it and it attacked her sending her to the hospital. The owner later told police "Well, you shouldn't have taken it for a walk yet". WTF!

In addition, sometimes a young child does something harmless to a gentle dog, like poke a few fingers in their eyes, pull its tail, fingers in the dog's mouth etc. Even though the child doesn't realize it, its not fun for the animal and they animal may react in a negative way (I pretend dogs are like sharks).

I had a friend that had a small dog but it had a loud bark. When my 1.5 year old thought it was cute, he put his hand forward and it would bark aggressively. I could tell that if he stuck out some fingers and no one was watching it might chomp them off.

I suggest giving him a baseball bat, incase things went haywire and I wasn't watching (as I said I'm not a great father, so I usually get sidetracked with drinking and UFC). That's just a joke! (mostly)

I sometimes see these cute dogs and think, these mofo's are killers inside.
They want to bite the hell outta my child, and its true.
If you've ever seen a doberman near a fence and a child putting its fingers towards it you will know I mean. It wants to not injure but kill.

Don't worry its a not a real child. (I hope)

So enough with the jokes and more to seriousness as a father. Remember that animals especially dogs may harm your child especially if you leave them together, its in their nature, If they are provoked no matter how gentle someone says they are, remember babies know nothing, they don't understand pulling a tail is bad. Never ever leave the two in combination together.

My moral of this lesson is dogs are dirty and could be dangerous, so therefore be mindful of your children. If not you may fail as a father.

You might think this guy is funny and cute. He is a mad killer.