I am Fishing FOR MAGNETS!

Anyone ever heard of magnet fishing?
Well I haven't, but I have been watching a LOT of Youtube, so I do now. And when I say a lot, it's an understatement. It controls my life, and everything else is left to the wayside.

I'm not sure I have anything to add. It needs a period as its a factual statement.

I've watching a lot of videos about finding sunken or lost treasure, and therefore for some reason a video about magnet fishing came up. Let me assure you, there are no diamonds or gold with magnet fishing (I'LL GET TO WHY SOON). I was bored so I just kept watching.

One video led to 20 more videos and my decision was made, a magnet fisher I was to become (that's Yoda ish. "Chosen my path had become. See or not see success happen it may become").

Now magnet fishing itself its not all about getting girls and rolling in shinny stuff.
You see its wet and slimy, and somewhat shi%ty. You will understand that part soon (just roll with it for now).

After watching various videos, finding knives (super old ones), fishing weights, fishing hooks, guns, cannonballs and random little pieces of metal, I was sunk into the idea ("sunk", you like that? Its a world play, which I like).

Magnet fishing is simple it only involved going through all the LIGHTNING deals on Amazon to find the right magnet (at a good cost). Once that's done, you are good to go.

I found one that claimed to lift 400 lbs. It also claimed it came with a rope and that its best for the dock, so you can bob it up and down. Ya, you don't flick this one out and hope for fish sort of thing, but instead you bob it straight up and down hoping to catch some nails or fish hooks.

The kids seemed extremely bored quickly. I thought, what a great dad I am to take them outside in the sun. Too bad I can't let them touch the magnet, touch the ocean water, touch the rope,or basically do anything on this adventure. They can always watch and that's half the fun.


My wife questioned me what's so great about magnet fishing again. I told her, you never know until you try. One fishing hook and you are rolling in the money. I just won't set my sights too high incase its only a penny or two instead though.

My chances of getting silver, gold or diamonds were dashed when I realized none of those are magnetic. So lots of coinage won't stick (I like pennies though since some stick and not heavy on pull up, helps my back issues). Mostly metals like nickel (so .25C coins and .05 C coins will stick).

After bobbing it up and down for 10 minutes I realized its not that fun, but if I threw it deeper maybe its more exciting.

Seemed like a great idea at the time.

I threw it with abandon while my wife and kids watched It flew like a discus in the Roman Olympics like it would fly all the way to Oylmpus!  I thought to myself for what reason am I not an Olympian? Obviously I was born to throw magnets.
After a few seconds I saw the rope attached it it fly by me......oh no!  I forgot to tie the rope end to well... anything!

I got down my stomach trying to reach the rope before it went under the surface. Unlucky for me, Canadian Geese had been all over the dock so their fecal matter was everywhere. Also, the water was brown, which according to the news was cause by not enough outflow into the ocean and the various boats flushing their sewage directly into the water. To top if off, an algae bloom was occurring (it grows more with the sewage from boats apparently). As the rope disappeared under the water's surface, it occurred to me, my dreams of catching "the big one" had been dashed. I had no chance of winning any magnet fishing derby's (if they even exist).

The tide was going up but I figured how deep could it be, this isn't the open ocean its sort of a small bay. Surely if Moses dropped by, he may part it for me. If not maybe it will go lower.

As we walked away from the wharf, I connected to the internet and ordered another replacement magnet from Amazon, lucky for me the lightning deal was still on. It had been a few days, so they must not be selling well (good for me but bad for that company and Amazon itself).

We got home and I shut down (I felt broken inside, my magnet alas, was gone). I decided with the utmost determination I needed to get that magnet and without my newer magnet I would need to wait 5 days for.

I started to prep. Testing what metal items were magnetic I had. I rounded up my dollar store fishing string (max line weight is 8 lbs). I checked my phone for the next low tide which was 5:54pm. Told my wife I needed to rush out, I finally found a hanger, a wrench, a crowbar, and a shovel. I wondered if I added some existing smaller magnets as well could I somehow make a super magnet, that even if not in the same area, would catch it and work with greater efficiency. I felt like a bit like Einstein (E= more than MC2, that is a joke in itself but only game nerds will get it, so roll with it).

I rushed to the kitchen telling my wife she needed to get out of the way, I have big plans and nothing will stop b

She probably thought I looked slightly unhinged. I started throwing things out of the pantry drawers. It donned on me that I could take a tin can (assuming its magnetizable) and put some magnets inside of it. Perhaps my dream of making a super magnet would come true. I looked around and we had no tin cans. I found the bigger can I could and drained all the spaghetti sauce. I didn't care about the contents, just that can.

After washing it out (necessary) I got out my magnets and tried to put them on the bottom. Issue is the magnets stuck to the sides of the can on the way down. I finally forced them to the bottom.. On top of that I took off the can top that I had previously removed and glued that on top of the magnets. That way it should spread the magnetic signal all throughout the tin can like a giant magnet (just FYI I don`t know if that`s true, I made it up, but its a theory, if Fox News repeats it, probably not true).

My magnetic tin can, aka a giant magnet "in theory", The plastic BOBA bolder was just to glue the magnets and hold it down from flying around.

I put everything in my backpack the time HAD COME.
I threw in two super long selfie sticks, I figured if things go bad maybe I could use them.
The crow bar didn't fit. Disappointingly I took it out. I'll have to use that next time I thought, it probably weighs more than 8 lbs.

I ran down the ocean. There were some people on the dock (oh F!) I thought.
One guy stared at me, he had a camera in his hand. "OH another photographer", he said.
I explained I wasn't, he stated he had seen the tripod in my backpack. I told him its selfie sticks, a wrench, and a shovel to catch a magnet, he gave me a really weird look (wonder why?).
He said he was trying get a perfect picture of the ocean with the sun hitting the water. He needed the water still.

That wasn't going to work for me. I rushed over the rocky area and pulled out all my tools for the task at hand. I was a Sniper ready to lay down and prep for his target. A sailor out to sea for the last time. A gladiator in the arena fighting lions.
I grabbed all my stuff out of my backpack and realized, there was goose feces everywhere. As the warrior I am, I pretended not to see it, while I actually scoffed in horror. I attached 30 feet of fishing line to the shovel. Due to the weight of the fishing line being max 8 lbs, I decided I'd attach two lines of equal strength which is essence would make the line 16 lbs strength (I know that's not true now).

I took both the shovel and the tin can full of magnets and tied them together.

My dollar store shovel, dollar store gloves, super magnet and hanger below. These rocks were a nightmare and one might say my downfall (from grace, just roll with it).

I looked around as a few people were wondering WTF am I doing. Even the guys on the basketball and tennis courts gave me a look. I look some pictures and a video before my Herculean throw, just incase it didn't work. All my fishing lines have become tangled in the rocks and seemed to now be around 5 feet long. I threw it like Zeus throws lighting and it went about 5 feet into the water. Due to the water being so dark (probably fecal contamination and algae bloom) I couldn't see the shovel. As I tried to pull it, it got stuck on the rocks. Somehow one of the carefully placed fishing string lines had snapped and I was now down to 1 line.

There was one one guy and a girl on the dock now. Looked like they were going on a date. I yelled over "Hey, uhh, I'm fishing for a magnet, weird question but if you see a red rope when you are out there can you pull it, its my magnet". The girl started laughing, the guy looked at me, obviously not happy I was ruining their date. He looked at me "You know the water is brown and there is an algae bloom right? Can't see anything".
I thanked him and asked he keep an eye out. I headed to the dock. I laid out my fishing lines very carefully in prep for my 2nd attempt, I threw the shovel around 30 feet, as a family above said he's fishing right? A little boy says "Yes, he's fishing". I wanted to yell up, ya I'm throwing metal things to catch a magnet. Wonder how confused they would be.

After a few tries, it appears both of my fishing strings that I had attached so securely had snapped. My shovel and more importantly my super magnet tin were lost to the high seas (but its low tide so just roll with it).

Next up was the hanger. The weight wasn't much but to its credit it was very magnetic. I figured it I added a hook it may catch the rope of my magnet and the world would be saved.
Each time I threw it, it didn't really sink. Since it wasn't heavy it barely went anywhere. On the third throw the fishing line snapped and it disappeared in the violent waves (it was calm but just roll with it).
At long last was my trusty wrench. I should say its my favourite wrench cause it is, and one of the only ones I own. Its not a cheap dollar store one, its an important one. I attached fishing strings to both pieces of it again, should one go wrong I had a fail safe.
I threw it like a fastball in professional baseball. You might call me the "Ichiro" of pitchers. As I threw it I remarked to myself how good a throw it was. Not too light like the hanger, and not too heavy like the super magnet and shovel tied together.
Just by chance I could feel a magnet pull. When I saw magnetic, it was like the fish that got away. It was perfect. It wasn't a rock. I could feel whatever it was dragging. I know it was magnetic because it was pulling with it. Resistance but not release. I worried the line would snap under the pressure. Somehow one of my life giving lines had snapped and I was down to the last part. Poseidon the KING of the Oceans must have pushed the wrench and it kept pulling till I felt the release and loss of the magnet I had under the sea.

A god this great, will help you, he can swim through water like a rocket (a Russian broken rocket from the cold war.... look just roll with it).

I pulled up the wrench thinking I knew the approximate area, I threw it one last time as I knew the sun was about to set. I realized all the fishing line had snapped. I now had no metal items to throw except for my selfie sticks, which were too expensive to risk. Until another day  I thought, as James Bond says DIE ANOTHER DAY, so I left it on, CATCH IT ANOTHER DAY.

I realized for the first time, the dock was absolutely covered in goose feces, I had been stepping in it, and my vast amount of fishing string was covered in it. I threw out the string.

As I walked home by moonlight (the sun hadn't set yet, but just roll with it). I thought about the good things this may cause. Its only temporary at the bottom of the sea, its more like a temporary storage spot.

I was going to the win the ultimate derby "LIFE" (just roll with it).

YA HE DOES (JUST ROLL WITH IT!)

My Youtube Channel, wearing red tights and jumping around as Deadpool (but I say Dadpool to avoid copyright. Smarter than I look!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NwwCyK_ZPA

Other funny stories from this blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Diapers and sh#ts!

Look I'm not going to lie to you, poo stinks no matter where it comes from.
Baby or adult.
Human or non human (aliens I'm not sure, but probably not good either).

You've been lied to I tell you!

Have you ever heard anyone say it smells good? If yes, you may want to avoid that person like the black plague. Don't worry the black plague isn't around anymore, but it might make a comeback (if people stop vaccinating their kids. I'll blog that another time).

Incase you weren't aware breast feeding babies diapers smell better than bottle fed ones. But even worse is real food fed babies. They really really stink!
So essentially if you are lucky enough to have a breast fed only baby you can enjoy the sweet smell of ros.... not roses, I'm not sure what, its not that good, but its better than the alternative of real food.

If your wife is supplementing with bottle (and powders), then you might be half way there but you still haven't hit the good stuff.

So cute, except for the sly and evil plan! They are all the same.

When they start eating solids, it might be simple. A banana, spoon of yoghurt, a cheerio (I thought only one would fill them up but they need multiple cheerio's FYI. Don't feed them just one).
Those smells will start to ease you into what's about to come. Yes, its amazing! And not in a good way.

Real diapers, with real poo, those are a doozy. Once meat is in their diet I highly suggest buying clothes pegs for your nose, or put cotton balls up them. I know  my co worker told me you buy Vick's VAPOR RUB even if you don't have a cold and stick your fingers deep inside thy nostrils. Ya I used the word thy, cause that's how I roll).

It will block your stinky receptions from handling the real taste (I mean smell) of poo.

The colours are like the autumn leaves as well, you see they change too incase you didn't know.
In the beginning it might be grainy and look like gold (trust me prospector its fool's gold so don't make a ring out of it),
It might start turning black, then kinda green ish. Then eventually liqud ish and tasty (if breast fed. I meant to say normal looking not tasty).


I should forewarn you of one more thing alluded to above. The time. Never trust a baby. They are sly and cunning and their insensible need to go to the bathroom trumps everything. Once you start putting on a nice new diaper BAM! They go on you, or into the new diaper. Its a cycle of life that all animals must contend with (except dogs and other animals don't have diaper wipes they use their tongues).

So the moral of this post is that in the beginning you might be thinking, MOFO I have to change diapers. Think positive that it smells not so bad. It will only get worse with age and food types.

As the poo colours change with age like a rainbow, remember that its normal and they are probably not taking E (or other drugs {yet}).

Oh the joys of parenthood.
Its kinda like Forrest Gump and his box O chocolates,

"You never know What THE F you are gonna get!"

Enjoy it!

I wish my child could do this. He'd never wear a diaper.

If you found anything above amusing or even slightly funny help me out and click one of those boxes above or give me a Google +1 or something. Might come in handy in the future.

Other funny stories from my Japan blog 

http://memoirsgaijin.blogspot.ca/

My blog about everyday life (not Japan related/ and maybe less amusing )

http://eyethroughtheglass.blogspot.ca/ 

My Youtube Channel (makes no sense just like my blog)

http://www.youtube.com/user/judoka4eva

Don't F$king Swear around children!

Don't Fu$king Swear around children!

This is pretty much a given.
You do not swear infront of children (your own or someone else's!)

Yeah! That works!

Their little minds are sponges and they are soaking up what you say.
If you say, GOOD MORNING Mother F#*ckers! then they will say it too. Cause I'm sure that's standard every morning.
I used to say it to some of my co workers. Its like the show THE OFFICE, but more funny.

In all honesty I did go through a faze where I added Mother F to everything. I started saying
"Thanks Mother F##*ker!" I didn't mean it in a bad way, I would laugh as I said it. I just thought its a funny thing to add to a sentence so I did it. I once said it when I was home visiting my parents and then realized I said it. So I repeated "I stubbed my toe, MOTHER TRUCKER!".
FYI I didn't stub my toe.

I had one friend who was giving his little boy a bath. He dropped the soap into the bath water and couldn't pick it up (you know exactly what that is like), its like a snake's skin molting off (kinda but opposite, cause its clean). Anyways....
He couldn't pick up the soap, finally got it above water, and it slipped out of his hand again,
"AH, sh$t!", he said.
His child repeated it after him.
He said no I mean ship, ship. "Oh ship!". His child didn't fall for it and repeated the first expression numerous times. His wife was not happy.
I was going to suggest rubbing the father's (my friend, perhaps now former friend after this post) mouth with soap.

That's right MOTHER F#&*R's!

I find my wife and myself has been slowly weening ourselves off swears. Even things I thought were not really swears, at school he's been told they are.
So now I can't add "damn" or "damned" to anything.
That's a word necessary for my (damned) life!

Let me give you an example (mother f's!).

"Where are my damn socks?"

"Mom, where are my damned shoes?"

"Hot Diggity Damn!" <--- I like that one the most. I feel like I'm with Scooby Do (which my son refers to as Scoobie Doobie). Close enough. I mean when you look at Shaggy you are also thinking Doobie.

My son kept repeating "Dada that's a bad word, we don't say that word". I told him "Oh, well daddy says it but you don't!"

I thought he got the message, but I guess he was out to lunch (his brain I mean, not literally), because he started using in perfect context.

Once my wife was in bed and she said to him "You forgot to get your water bottle for bed". He ran out to me "DAD! WHERE'S MY DAMN WATER BOTTLE?"
I couldn't stop laughing, so he started using it with everything.

When I finally thought I had completely weened myself off swears (like weening from the breast, but less enjoyable), I was disciplined by my son again.
"Dad you always say bad words".

I do? I didn't believe him.

"You keep saying freakin".
"I'll make freakin dinner", "Where are my freakin pants?"

Mom has her own problem. She started rephrasing goddamn crazy to GD crazy, GD shoes, GD tired. Cause she's a mom and sleepy from two kids I let it go.

Perhaps us not swearing is not meant to be then.

So this advice which incidentally I don't live by, I'm giving it to you.

LOL

Enjoy you GD non swearing child rearing life biatches!

Hard to see, all vulgar. Things I've never even dreamed of. Print it for your wall (not around kids).

Dogs Are Dirty!

How to be a Good Father, I'm not one which is why I'm writing this blog.
My hope is you learn what not to do. ;-)

I wouldn't consider this bad, I'd say "learning from experience". Enjoy the hangover. 

The title seems catchy to let's stick with it, and its true. I have witnessed many a times when a dog ate faeces (crap), it doesn't care what animal it came from, possibly even its own.
If you are wondering if I'm writing this to tell you that you can save diapers by having a dog, that is not my intention.


There are a few things about teaching children about animals that is important. One is fear. I like fear. Not for me, but for children its great. Once you teach children fear it seems to be instilled in them forever (and ever). Hammer it into them (but don't use Thor's Hammer, that hurts).

Let me suggest to you how you might want to start that conversation.
You can point out dogs have sharp teeth, vampire-like abilities and claws that they can scratch glass (stronger than diamonds! Not exactly true, but they are kids so they might not call you on your science facts yet).


I remember reading a book a while ago about how animals and babies interact. It said never (and I mean ever) leave a child unattended with an animal. Yes through artificial evolution, they have been tamed to be man's best friend (women's too, I'm not sexist), but sometimes their natural instinct kicks in and they do what they originally were made to do. Hunt and attack.


If you really want to read graphic details about it there should be endless stories about toddler's being injured or killed through dogs interactions, especially the more aggressive dog types. I saw one on the news yesterday about a child being attacked and the owner's girlfriend tried to stop it and it attacked her sending her to the hospital. The owner later told police "Well, you shouldn't have taken it for a walk yet". WTF!


In addition, sometimes a young child does something harmless to a gentle dog, like poke a few fingers in their eyes, pull its tail, fingers in the dog's mouth etc. Even though the child doesn't realize it, its not fun for the animal and they animal may react in a negative way (I pretend dogs are like sharks).

I had a friend that had a small dog but it had a loud bark. When my 1.5 year old thought it was cute, he put his hand forward and it would bark aggressively. I could tell that if he stuck out some fingers and no one was watching it might chomp them off.

I suggest giving him a baseball bat, incase things went haywire and I wasn't watching (as I said I'm not a great father, so I usually get sidetracked with drinking and UFC). That's just a joke! (mostly)


I sometimes see these cute dogs and think, these mofo's are killers inside.
They want to bite the hell outta my child, and its true.
If you've ever seen a doberman near a fence and a child putting its fingers towards it you will know I mean. It wants to not injure but kill.

Don't worry its a not a real child. (I hope)

So enough with the jokes and more to seriousness as a father. Remember that animals especially dogs may harm your child especially if you leave them together, its in their nature, If they are provoked no matter how gentle someone says they are, remember babies know nothing, they don't understand pulling a tail is bad. Never ever leave the two in combination together.

My moral of this lesson is dogs are dirty and could be dangerous, so therefore be mindful of your children. If not you may fail as a father.

You might think this guy is funny and cute. He is a mad killer.